@EricDumbTweets: I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
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@recoveringbapti: Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
@prattprattpratt: If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
@Tbone7219: Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it's a hamburger
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”