What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN