@EricDumbTweets: I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
@Dr_powpow: Like every good global citizen I've reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they're on vacation
@MidlifeDish: "This is the last time I'm going to tell you!" *Biggest lie parents tell kids "And I mean it." *Biggest lie parents tell themselves