Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
m’lady
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush