@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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@Love_bug1016: When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it's Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind
@kumailn: 7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.