@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
@_troyjohnson: Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.
@RobElliottComic: When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON" *Puts on dragon costume *Waits in bushes