I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…