I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.