I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.