I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?