I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
this country is so goddamn polarized
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.