Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo