I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Need this in my life lol
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.