Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals