*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory