@realHamOnWry: I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
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@ayyyyloser: How to handle a one night stand the next morning: 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@tat2dsoccermom: My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.
@SuperRandomish: If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?" My name will always be Matt.