Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My love language is deader than Latin
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When your parents check you’re ok.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰