@charrrllaa: I don't understand people with anchor tattoos that say, "I refuse to sink." It's a damn anchor! It's supposed to sink! What am I missing?
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@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
@TitansHomer: Him: Can you believe what's going on in Egypt? Me: Yeah...it's crazy...I gotta go. Bye. Me: *googles what's happening in Egypt?*
@sucittaM: Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.