Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
We need to put an American base on the sun
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I am patiently waiting for your email
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.