I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.