@causticbob: "I don't understand swimming. You don't see fish going for a walk."
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?
@Bill_Nye_tho: i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don't like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals
@CoopSoSarc: I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall 'for a good time'. Then I recognized my hand writing.
@AlexvanBeek: Lauren on Facebook asks: "What's the best way to ward off ghosts?" To which I replied: "a camera."