@causticbob: "I don't understand swimming. You don't see fish going for a walk."
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@AllieA: On my first day of college my dad's only advice was "don't date any of your teachers!" Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.
@Sarcasticsapien: Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep
@PeterClayton6: (Adobe CEO's house) Like the new couch hun? Update it. What about the wallpap… UPDATE IT ALL. You're scaring the ki… UPDATE THEM TOO…