Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.