I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*