One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.