Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.