My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.