dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My favorite farside!!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here