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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”