I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Breaking news:
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Birds & Planes.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.