Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
You Might Also Like
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Lube but for my dry humor.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Sorry not sorry.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.