@MikeDrucker: I don't understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it's all just bullsh - HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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@AristotlesNZ: Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
@withanewname: Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.
@Laser_Cat: [skywriting] Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won't let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
@aeharder: The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.