@MikeDrucker: I don't understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it's all just bullsh - HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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@Thedudish: My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.