I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.