I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.