I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot