I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*launders Kohls cash*
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation