her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.