@Cheeseboy22: I don't understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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@TitansHomer: My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"
@DaddyJew: Sneaking up on me from behind while I'm doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
@ThaJawn: *braids your voodoo doll's hair Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like "who braided my hair" HAHAHAHA