I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”