Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I like long walks away from everyone
Simple
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’m awake but I object,
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle