The police never think its as funny as you do.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
LMAO.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*