@juliussharpe: I don't understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don't have to have a job.
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@RidiculousSheri: "You look really pretty today," I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, "And you...um, you have a GREAT personality."
@Reverend_Scott: Rum: "Drink me." Me: "No, I'll get a hangover." Rum: "Nah, you'll get funnier and better looking!" Me: "Really?" *drinks* Rum: "Sucker."
@KalvinMacleod: Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.