The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I don’t think my car can fly
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
just make the entire table out of coaster
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg