I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”