I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
True.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident