I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.