I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The pasta is now
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.