@titusbb: I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.
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@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?
@FuckabillyRex: *skateboarding at 16 I don't care about girls, I'm skating. *skateboarding at 43 I should have had more sex when I was 16.
@celebrityhottub: I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
@buriedwithkids: My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.