@titusbb: I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.
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@mollzbenn: The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.
@Lisabug74: I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
@daemonic3: "Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"