*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
…żyje?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards