@TheDrunkStory: "I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State
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@UncleDuke1969: "Mom?" "Yes?" "Are we having seafood for dinner?" "No, why?" "I heard Dad on the phone." "And?" "He said that he picked up a case of crabs."
@Crunk_Jews: [first date] Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
@CourtneyBale: Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead. [at hospital] Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.