@TheDrunkStory: "I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State
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@itsWillyFerrell: Operator: "9-1-1 please hold..." Me: "Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second." Murderer: "K."
@TheTweetOfGod: People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
@stephenjmolloy: "Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat." Dads in unison: "Nooooo!"
@samsara668: They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I'll never piss on an electric fence again