“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.