I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.