I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv