I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.