Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.