I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June