@BigRedKraut: I don't use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
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@murrman5: [wife replies to text that I found a genie] dont do a thing im almost home [she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
@thenatewolf: Guard: what do you want for your last meal? Me: anything? Guard: anything Me: the warden Guard: oooooo he ain't gonna like that...
@CubanaMama82: I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.