was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
it must be school picture day
The Assassin.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”